You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
