My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
