you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
