Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
