alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
