Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
