Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
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Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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