I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?