Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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