There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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