She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
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