remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Randomize
