foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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