Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
did i just pee glitter
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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