you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Randomize
