Your tits are I can't wait for
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
