i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
