The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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