I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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