i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
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