Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
