remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Randomize
