"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Sorry my hands just texted you
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
