As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize
