I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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