she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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