these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Randomize
