420 ftw
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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