I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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