bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
