i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
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