i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
