Your face is a jimmy john
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Randomize
