to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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