how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
