Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
