thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
