This girl is more easily done than said...
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
