i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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