You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
