An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Randomize
