So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
