alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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