Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
The power of my boobs compel you
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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