you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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