hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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