I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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