It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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