We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
