i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
