WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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