Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
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