Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
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I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
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So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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