I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
