Me too!
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
