Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
