Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Randomize
