Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Randomize
