In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
